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Somewhere in Alabama...
Our story begins where everyone who's anyone has been. Yep, it
begins in a WalMart. Before we get to the actual "story", let me preface this
article with a few thoughts. Normally, I have no problem with making fun of just
about anything. Very few things are off limits to my sense of humor. However
this story goes beyond funny, and well into wrong. But since this is nothing out
of the ordinary for us, here goes...
It all started in a WalMart,
somewhere in Alabama. For the
untrained eyes behind the security cameras, nothing was out of the ordinary. It
was just another evening somewhere in Alabama. However, this night would turn
out to be anything but ordinary for a
midget named Jack*. Unfortunately for Jack, it would be
those cost cutting methods that put
untrained eyes behind the security cameras that would ultimately cost him his
dignity, a trip to the hospital, and the chance to get his picture taken in
color for $3.50 off. (I'm told it's pronounced tree-fity in the south, so use
correct slang for maximum effect if reading aloud).
The real story begins when a badly written sales campaign sends
customers into overdrive. A misprint in a brochure left those who caught the
mistake with a very unique opportunity. According to the misprinted
advertisement, which stores must honor by law, nearly 15% of the items in the
store (those being items costing $20.00 or more) would be subject to a mail-in
rebate of $25.00, effectively making many of the items free, or in some cases, the
store would pay you to buy merchandise. It was indeed, something
nobody could afford to pass up.
Indeed nobody did pass this offer up, and on the stroke of
midnight the store began filling with customers like never before. Bewildered
rent-a-cops stood in awe as residents rushed the shelves. It was too late.
Parking lot camera operators had failed to trigger the
little yellow smiley guy that flies
around really fast and rolls back prices. Jack was all but trapped. It wasn't
long before an army of shopping carts rumbled down every aisle. It was only a
matter of time.
Seconds flew by like minutes, and minutes like seconds. Before
Jack could climb to the safety of the cappuccino makers a crazed shopper named Rachel* came screaming around
a corner, knocking him out of house wares and clear into automotive.
Jack was out cold, but our
story doesn't end here.
Rachel continued here shopping spree, knocking down any small
objects that got in her way. Thankfully it wasn't February 15th (National
Million Midget March Day)*, sponsored by Walmart. So, the only other victims
were a small Campbells soup display, and one of those coupon dispensers that
hangs out into the aisle and spits out a coupon every time you press the button.
After all was said and done, Jack was rushed to the hospital. He
was released the next day with only minor abrasions, a broken collar bone, and a
nasty headache. He declined to comment on the incident, but we were able to
speak with this random old guy who saw the whole thing*.
 "Damn
shame that was. Kids these days, ain't got no respect, no respect at all. I
fought with Jack back in WWI. He was my CO... or PO.. or something. Yes Sir! I
remember it clear as day. Jack got 19 purple hearts outta that war. Course folks
were tougher back then. Why, when I was a kid we'd eat tree bark for breakfast,
throw it up and eat it again for lunch. Didn't have no fancy "lunch pails".
That's the way things was, and you didn't see us runnin' down midgets with new
fangled shoppin' carts. I s'pose we didn't have shoppin' carts back then though.
Heck if we couldn't carry everything home mum'd just up and kick one of us out
for a while. I tell ya..."
It goes on like that for some time.
That's about all the information we have on this story. We'd
like to stress that the events of this story, while possibly not 100% accurate,
are complete and true to the best of our knowledge. We know that 1) there is a
girl named Rachel who lives in Alabama, 2) there are midgets in Alabama, who
shop at Walmart, and 3) Rachel did run hit one with a shopping cart. So, as you
can see the rest of the details just fall into place.
*Jack was named by me. Actual name may vary.
*Rachel is this girl's actual name. We would have changed it to protect her
identity, had she not run over a midget with reckless abandon.
*Million Midget March is also sometimes knows as Valentine's Day
*Random old guy pictured is as stated "Random", and may not accurately depict
actual Random old guy whose statement was taken.
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