This is the funniest (serious) Privacy Policy I've ever seen anywhere

(The following information is quoted from CoolOnlineProducts.com 's Privacy Policy, with my commentary in brackets and red color.)

CoolOnlineProducts Privacy Policy

This notice outlines the privacy policies of www.CoolOnlineProducts.com (the "Site"), and any of the Web sites it owns, including www.allfreecars.net. By visiting this Site, you are accepting the practices described in this Privacy Policy.

[My understanding: This tells you from where we will screw you.]

Changes to the Privacy Policy
We reserve the right to change the terms of this Privacy Policy. Since any changes will be posted on this page, we encourage you to check this page regularly. Your continued use of the Site following any changes to this Privacy Policy will constitute your acceptance of such changes. This privacy policy was last revised on July 15th, 2002.

[My understanding: We reserve the right to change our own policy to whatever we want, and then make you agree to it without first consulting you, unless you check this page hourly, in order to better screw you.]

Your IP Address
Each time you visit the Site, our web server automatically recognizes your IP address and the Web page from which you came. Your IP address is used to help identify you and to gather broad demographic information about you. We also use your IP address to help diagnose problems with our servers, to administer the Site, and to better serve you while visiting the Site. However, IP addresses are note stored or retained by us.

[My understanding: We log your IP address, so you cannot later say we didn't warn you. We also use your PC's identification for our own personal gain, and we don't pay you for it.]

Cookies
The Site uses cookies to keep track of your purchases and other activity on the Site and enhance your experience on the Site. We also use cookies to deliver content specific to your interests, to save your password, and if you choose, to save other personal and financial information so you do not have to re-enter it each time you visit the Site.

[My understanding: You don't know what a cookie is unless your pretty decent with computers, and you certainly don't know the security risks involved with cookies unless you really know computers, so we'll assume you don't know that these "financial cookies" could come back to haunt you.]

Information We Collect From You
While on the Site we may collect personal information from you. Personal information may include information you provide to us while registering with the Site, making purchases, or as otherwise requested on the Site, such as your name, address, phone number, and email address. Personal information may also include information we gather about you while on the Site such as your purchase history. If you place an order with us, our order forms require that you provide financial information (like your account or credit card numbers) as well. We may also collect demographic information that you provide to us such as your zip code, age, or income level.

[My understanding: We'll openly tell you that we will collect all the personal information we can about you, but not yet mention that we're going to sell it to spammers. We'll make you read further if you want to know that.]

How We Use Personal Information
We will use your personal information for customer service, to provide you with information that you may request, to customize your experience on the Site, and to contact you when necessary in connection with transactions entered into by you on the Site. We may also use your personal information for internal business purposes, such as analyzing and managing our business. We may also combine the information we have gathered about you with information from other sources. We may use third parties to help us operate our business and the Site or administer activities on our behalf, such as authorization of credit card transactions, and order fulfillment. We may share your information with these third parties for those limited purposes. Unless you tell us not to, we may also use your personal information to contact you about offers or promotions from CoolOnlineProducts.com and selected third parties we think you would be interested in. If you do not want to receive this information, please e-mail info@coolonlineproducts.com

[My understanding: We're going to use your personal information in every way possible to spam your email box with advertisements we're getting paid to send. You'd better make sure you uncheck every single box when signing up that has anything to do with receiving our "special offers".]

We will also share your personal information with selected third parties so that you may receive special offers and promotions from them, unless you opt-out. If you would like to opt-out of our sharing your personal information with those third parties, email us at info@coolonlineproducts.com. Please note that changes to your preferences may not be effective immediately.

[My understanding: One way or another, we're going to share your personal information with anyone who will pay us for it. You can try to opt-out, but by the time you've sent us the email, we've received it and dealt with it, we'll have likely sold your information to many, many people.]

From time to time we may enter into a special relationship with another company that is not owned by CoolOnlineProducts.com to provide additional features on the Site. These special relationships may include business partners, sponsors, and co-branded sites. Any personal information that you provide on one of these CO-branded pages will be shared with these third party partners. Since these third party partners will use your information in accordance with their own privacy practices, you should check their Web sites for information regarding their privacy policies.

[My understanding: If we don't get to screw you using the earlier method, this one is a definite winner for us. Any site you visit that has any affiliation with us, even those who we traded website links with, will have access to buy your personal information from us. Of course, we're not going to pay you for it.]

Your personal information may be passed on to a third party in the event of a transfer of ownership, assets or the bankruptcy of CoolOnlineProducts.com. We may also disclose specific information when we determine that such disclosure is necessary to comply with applicable law or to protect the interests or safety of CoolOnlineProducts.com or other visitors to the Site.

[My understanding: If someone pays us by transferring some of their assets into our bank account, we'll gladly give them your personal information so they can adequately screw you and your inbox. We'll also give out the information to anyone who threatens us with any kind of legal action, just to cover our butts.]

How We Use Financial Information
Financial information is used to bill you for products and services. By making a purchase on the Site, you consent to our providing your financial information to our service providers and to such third parties as we determine is necessary to process your transactions. These third parties may include the credit card companies and banking institutions used to process the transaction.

[My understanding: If you buy anything, we'll definitely give all your information to any banks or credit companies  that want it, including your credit card number.]

How We Use Demographic Information
We use demographic information to tailor the Site to the interests of our users. Demographic information is shared with advertisers so that they can tailor their advertisements to the appropriate audience. Demographic information may also be shared with other third parties.

[My understanding: We'll use your age, sex, race, income, and anything else you give us to spam you with ad's we hope you'll be more inclined to read. Don't worry though, you'll still get plenty of spam.]

Other Sites
The Site may contain links to other Web sites. We are not responsible for the privacy practices or the content of such Web sites or for the privacy policies and practices of other third parties.

[My understanding: If you leave our website, you're on your own. We might not even tell you that you've left our website, or we might cleverly disguise it to look like its still ours, when its really not. You're still responsible]

Our Security Precautions
The Site has security measures in place to protect against the loss, misuse and alteration of the information under our control. We use industry standard technology to protect the security of your information. We encrypt all of your personal and financial information and use our best efforts to prevent it from being read or intercepted as the information travels over the Internet. Unfortunately, no data transmission over the Internet can be guaranteed to be 100% secure. As a result, while we are committed to protecting your information, we cannot ensure or warrant the security of any information you transmit to us.

[My understanding: We took precautions on info we really care about, but unfortunately we really don't care about your information that much now that we've sold it to everyone who'd pay us for it.]

Accessing Your Information
CoolOnlineProducts.com gives you the opportunity to modify or remove personal information that you have provided to us. You may do so by e-mailing info@coolonlineproducts.com

Changing or deleting your information or otherwise opting-out of receipt of communications from CoolOnlineProducts.com or third parties will change or delete the data only in our database for purposes of transacting future business on the Site and for managing future communications from CoolOnlineProducts.com and third parties. These changes and deletions will not change or delete information already collected as part of a particular purchase in our transactions database which may have already been shared with third parties, all as provided above in this Privacy Policy. You will need to contact third parties who may contact you directly to change your preferences or your personal information that they may be using to contact you.

[My understanding: We'll change your personal information if you want, so we can re-sell it to all those companies again. That's not going to stop those companies though, they've already got everything they need to spam you to high heaven. Thanks for paying us to screw you!]