If anyone asks, this is an Archive

First, and obviously foremost, what was once promised is now delivered. Henry, who is sometimes known around here as "Henry", has come up with a great expose on Carls, and how not to be one. In any case, give it a once pete, and then a twice pete. Then save the three pete for later on when you come back and nothings changed.

So, there's are a few things that need addressing, and I'm not talking about envelopes.

1) I've noticed an excess buildup of Carls lately. And by that I mean, it's been ages since the Winslow inbox has seen a good, authentic hatemail. I know this doesn't get updated all that much, but lets pool together our petty prejudices and immature angst and see if we can't pull together a couple poorly written rants about why your opinion and/or feelings matter. Make sure to put the important stuff in ALL CAPS, because then we think you're shouting.

2) The third and final subject that needs addressing is this. It's a name that as of tonight, is the funniest and best name ever. That name would be Lil' Huge. Like most great names, it was developed at a bowling alley by none other than Touchy McBrucer. You may remember Touchy from such famous quotes as: "I'd become a midget if they paid me millions of dollars" or from one of his many great written works, such as: "The night I left Rosemary's baby in the basement."

That's all for now. Stay tuned for a great bedtime story about midgets and Wal-Mart.

Pretty soon something will have to be done about this rather crappy layout, subpar color scheme, and horribly painful archiving system. Luckily for me pretty soon isn't today, so enjoy the latest Bruce McJuice has to offer.

Now, we here at CW are certainly not perfect*. But even we know standard procedure says you don't work on a live web page if you have people viewing it. Luckily, CW rarely has anyone viewing it so we don't have to worry about it, but if you work on a large site, obviously you save a copy and work on that until you get everything right, then you save over the originals after you're sure everything is in check. That avoids things like, oh lets say... Broken Images. Apparently Google didn't get that memo.

*This is unconfirmed, and we may actually be perfect.

Well, recently, that being a few weeks ago, a trip was taken. This trip was to CMU. Though we weren't technically professors, we did have a lesson to teach. This lesson was about ovens, excuses, and a guy named Henry. Enjoy.

A little ditty we like to call AHS, an education in crotch rocket administration appeared the other day. We don't know where it came from*. We don't know who it's about.* All we know is that on a scale of 1 to 10, it's awesome. So go check out the AHS rant.

Also, we put up a couple new top ten lists for your reading enjoyment, for those of you who read. And not to leave out anyone who can't read, we put up a couple graphical top ten lists too. They can be seen here.

*Some or all parties involved with this site may know what it's about and where it came from.

Two new games we created that are sure to please. Check them out at this other guys website. We had him host the games there because of the incredible demand for them. Plus we didn't want to be known just for making those games, and have carl get mad at us, so we totally gave this other guy the credit. We wrote them in swedish, or was it finnish... I can't remember. Anyways, that was all part of the process so everyone thinks they weren't made by us.

Truck Dismount | Stair Dismount

Sometimes I go by the alias tAAt. It stands for totally Awesome At truckin'.

More to follow...

So July was a rough month for CW. Mostly because I've been busy* and the other guy who's supposed to update this site hasn't had a working computer. Well that's about to change.... we've got a spoonerism* of new stuff to put up, and almost enough motivation to get it into a web format. So if you're one of the 0 people who've been anxiously awaiting more stuff from this site, good news.. and if this is your first time to the site, and you don't like it, feel welcome to get right the hell on out and quit wasting our bandwidth.

*busy in Portuguese doubles as the word for lazy. don't believe me? refer to "getting right the hell on out"
*i really don't know what spoonerism means but it sounds cool, and i'm told it's a word

June 20, 2003 - If you were wondering why there were no updates in the last 10 days, it was due to the annual '10 days of procrastination' festival we participate in. So, you probably thought we were just being lazy. New porch coming.... now. New layout coming soon too.

June 10, 2003 - "Tomorrow" obviously meant 24-48 hours from the time that last bit was posted. If you didn't catch that, you're probably a racist. Regardless of your racism, there's a new porch. I think it might be yours.

June 8, 2003 - I noticed we're now the #1 search result for carl winslow on Google. This is excellent, not only because all those people looking for Carl Winslow will find our excellent selection* of CW photo's, but also because those people looking for Carl Winslow will find our bonus selection* of Deano / Brucey / Seagal photo's. I also noticed we haven't updated anything in a couple weeks. Ah well, more extreme happy fun time coming soon. The walmart world tour* is lookin' good, so check back every minute or two. Oh, new porch coming tomorrow too.

*excellent selection only available where not prohibited, while supplies last
*bonus selection for a limited time only, specifically yesterday
*world tour may or may not reflect the physical touring of a "world", and possibly could mean "extremely local tour"

May 30, 2003 - Porch Game: Reloaded

May 29, 2003 - You've probably seen this in 800 places already, but it's one of those things you can just keep watching over and over.

He's a little bit country, He's a little bit Rock n' Roll,
He's a little bit overweight, He's a little bit Jedi Knight.

May 27, 2003 - Nothin' happened yesterday either. I bet you came here hoping something got updated too. Loser. Get a life, its nice outside. Quit obsessing over this stupid site. Earn some money, and then send it to me. And while you're out getting your new life, why not find something cool, take a picture of it, and write up an entertaining story. Oh, and get me some food too (no chinese takeout crap either). That way, when you bring my food over, you can drop off your entertainment and amuse me for a change. It better be good though, we aren't puttin' up with someone's crappy day at the office. Here's a bit of new crap to entertain you. Well, its not all new. In fact some of it's pretty old, but it's probably new to you, so check it out. Oh, and brace yourself. There's a new porch coming soon, to a home near you.. unless you own the porch, then its not new. Or if you've seen it before. Exceptions are such a pain in the ass. They make everything sound way less cool. Lemme try that again. Coming to you LIVE* from a new porch near you soon, it's The Porch Game, installment 2. Don't miss this, it'll only be around for a limited time*. Right now I'm talking* very loud. That's what the purple and yellow symbolize. Very loud. Are you taking notes? Much better with no exceptions, and with an extremely bad color change. Hey, where's my food...

Advanced Thrusting Techniques: The Dance Floor (video, 18 megs)
The Muhs: Yea, we started a column* for him. He's that Good*
Bruce (the Juice) had his cousins over for the weekend, aptly named (BetaBruce and Bruce++) They brought the name Bruce to a new level. By that of course, I mean they have issues. Needless to say, we rocked several places, including Walmart.. pretty hard.

*Good may also mean homeless looking, not coherent, and unsafe after 7pm
*Column is just one of those words used to validate us as a real presence on the internet. It means nothing
*LIVE could mean anything, nobody really knows
*limited time is defined by how long this site is around
*talking is in reference to this typing, which you should be reading aloud to whomever is around. if you're not reading this aloud, its a pretty good sign you're a homophobe

May 26, 2003 - Yea, so not much happened in the way of gettin stuff up yesterday. Ah well, nothing was hurt but feelings. Maybe later today.

May 25, 2003 - We did some serious rockin last night. Should be new stuff later today. Until then, occupy yourself with the links below, and to the side. I bet you a dollar you can't click just one. Send your dollars to the porch fund, via Sean. If you don't know who Sean is, you better keep your dollar. You'll need it to buy some friends.

The Porch Game | Be Famous | Fun with Toast

May 22, 2003 - See guestbook for explanation as to the lack of updates. So anyway, I'm driving through Atlanta today. Yea, you're probably wondering "Why would you drive there, its creepy and inbred..." Or maybe you're just peachy. Anyways, so I'm drivin through, on my way to Gaylord to meet a guy I knew from college that I haven't seen in a while for lunch. He was in TC on his way back to the UP, but that's an entirely different story... that I know nothing about. Back to my story. I'm driving along, everything's cool. All of a sudden, bam. The hill into Atlanta. No big deal, I'm thinking. Just the hill right? I get over the Hill, and bam. Another hill. I forgot how much Atlanta sucked. Far be it from me to complain, especially in Atlanta, few places are more backwards and Alfred Hitchcocky. I just wanted to get away from there. So anyways, I'm going over this second hill and bam. A tree. Yea, but not just any tree. A tree with a bunch of shoes tied to it. No signs, no explanation, nothing. Damn that place gets creepier every time I see it. I wouldn't dare stop in that area, not without a gun. God knows what might sneak up behind me and try to steal my shoes, or my sanity. So I decide I'll get a picture of it on the way back from Gaylord. I won't have to stop, everything will be ok.

Not more than 5 minutes later, I'm driving along. Another hill. Then... oh, a van with teddy bears strapped onto it. How special*. Not a teddy bear, or two teddy bears. A minimum of 20 - and not just strapped on the front grill. All over the vehicle. I'm about 80% sure one had a noose around its neck hanging from the passengers side. I was so stunned I didn't have a chance to get a picture, and hell if I was going to turn around and follow this bearded fat guy and his woman. I can only imagine what was in the back of his van, or what this sicko did for a living.. I can't even tell you, I'm not allowed. I can only imagine it.

I finally got through Atlanta, without further incident. Had lunch, caught up with my buddy on everything, and headed back home. Now, coming back through Atlanta I figured I'll get a picture of the tree in passing. That way I won't have to stop, and if anything crazy happens I can just run it over and keep going. So, I slowed down and got a shot of the tree. It came out decent for 50 mph. Speed is essential in Atlanta, never know when you're going to need to outrun some weird crap in a hurry. So a couple minutes later, what do I see? Charles Manson driving his teddy bear child molestation van again. Now, admittedly it was a mistake to not keep the camera at the ready, but I figured Charles had already lured several deano's into his van and he was probably done for the day. I wish I could have gotten a picture of that van. Oh well, he probably would have seen me and tried to run me down. In summary: I'm alive. Deano's.. probably dead. Charles.. probably still driving his van. Shoes.. probably still on the tree.

*Special may mean utterly disturbing
*peachy sometimes refers to homosexuals

A system has been implemented for those who do not pick up on sarcasm. This should provide a more enjoyable experience for the .. intelligent section of viewers.

So, you might have noticed not much has been happening lately on this website. There are a few reasons for that. First, it's finally not freezing nuts cold here, so there are things to be done outside besides shovel. The CW crew is lucky* enough to live in one of those places that doesn't get enough snow to do anything really cool with it, but just enough snow that we can't do anything cool because of it. In conclusion .. to this paragraph.. the weather here sucks 8 months of the year.

Now onto the next paragraph. Wait, it started already. Dammit. Ok. Nevermind that, here we go. Great, now I forgot what I was gonna type. Oh yea, the other reason for not updating is we're lazy. Also we don't care very much. Laziness also accounts for why I didn't delete that part above that I screwed up. It's just easier to keep typing. I see a spelling error up there too, but let's just use that as an example of laziness. Boy look at all this updating, things are really moving along now. Super!*

If you've read this far, you're in for a real treat. This is where the magic* happens. If you'll notice, the magic* is happening right now. If you continue to read, the magic* will continue to happen. However, if for some reason you stop reading, the magic* will stop happening. Now, sit back, relax, and get ready for the magic* to happen!

Ok, so when you're tired of seeing the magic* happen, here's a couple links I found incredibly funny.* We usually just post our own stuff, but these two sites are of exceptional quality.* If you haven't seen them yet, you haven't wasted enough time on the internet.

skinny folks without headgear - mr. brains pork delights

One of these sites is a legitimate business. Guess which one, and win a prize! Guesses can be submitted via email.

*lucky may mean unlucky.
*Super! could alternatively  mean screw it, good enough.
*the magic may refer to nothing in some or all cases.
*incredibly funny infers 'should not be viewed by anyone'.
*exceptional quality means exceptional quality, what the hell else would it mean?